Sunday, October 25, 2009

Let's Go Phillies

There are ten reasons any decent American, even Mets fans, should root for the Phillies:

1. Economics - At times like these, one should easily support a levelheaded, low-risk payroll like the Phillies that rewards good performance rather than the reckless spending of the Yankees. 1.1 billion (with a "b") dollars over the last six yeas, a slew of cheaters, and they finally get to go to the World Series. They should be so proud!

2. More Economics - The Angels have a payroll of $113 million, good for fourth in the AL. Still, the Yankees payroll is 78% larger. And don't give me cost of living bullshit, I grew up near Orange County: it ain't cheap to live there. Add to that, if you combine the Angels and Twins payroll, they still spend less, together, than the Yankees.

3. The Press - Despite the lies in the headlines, they know those free agents are playing for New York for money and not to fulfill a lifelong dream. Buster Olney, on ESPN, made the comment after the Boston/Los Angeles series that the Red Sox should have offered Merc Teixeira more money to get him to Boston. Wait, I thought his wife is the reason he went to New York? I will give Yankee fans that: I've yet to meet one naive enough to think he really went to the Yankees for anything but money money money.

4. Yankee Fans - But Yankee fans are naive about their past. They talk about tradition, pride, and pinstripes. They forget collusion, racism, reckless spending and shamelessly getting rid of such players as Babe Ruth, Phil Rizzuto, and Reggie Jackson because they weren't believed to be necessary for the team's future.

5. The Erin Andrews Videos - Mickey Mantle's "beaver shooting" expeditions with the Yankees during the 50s and 60s contributed to the misogynist culture that still exists in professional sports.

6. The Umps (Are Obviously Yankee Fans) - Terrible calls by the umpires: Joe Mauer's "Yankee Stadium Foul" or Game 4's obviously new rule that you can only tag one player if you find two off the base. And anyone who thinks Pettitte's strike zone wasn't at least "generous" needs to stop listening to the radio and watch the games. You'd think a payroll that obnoxious would give you all you need to succeed. Apparently, the umps are still needed to ensure Yankee victory. This is, of course, nothing new. Just ask Jeffrey Maier.

7. A-Rod - Went from a straight-arrow, wholesome family man who was himself a bit embarrassed by his obnoxious contract to a steroid-shooting, philandering, openly greedy mercenary. It says a lot about Yankee fans that they hated the former but absolutely adore the latter, simply because he hits now that the leaves have changed color.

8. Andy Pettitte - "Yeah, I cheated, but, now that I've been caught, I admit it!" For Yankees, that's considered the brave, honorable thing to do.

9. Pedro Martinez - Best pitcher of his era, against the Yankees. I'm starting a fund, right now, to pay Pedro's fines if he decides to drill A-Rod, Teixeira, or any of those other smug mercs.

10. Grahm: My nephew. I don't want him to think that hard work, fidelity, frugality, and challenging yourself are vices. He shouldn't grow up in a world thinking that money is how you value yourself. I don't want him to think that you solve problems by simply throwing capital at them.

That he has to learn this by rooting for the Phillies, a team whose fan base would, in the words of Bob Uecker, "boo cancer patients," should tell you how utterly evil the Yankees are.